Can you remember that feeling before the holidays? The feeling that every present will be perfect;  that watching the annual holiday movie will reliably ring in the season;  that the recipe your mom makes every year will turn out just like it should;  that everything and everyone will be warm, generous, happy, and completely drama-free?

Whatever our unique experience, the common thread that runs through it is the way in which we set ourselves up—year after year—for a holiday season that just doesn’t feel good enough.

It’s no wonder then that, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), “64% of people with mental illness report holidays make their conditions worse”. And most of those 64% have families or friends or loved ones who are also affected by seeing someone they care about in pain or distress. And those caretakers have caretakers and on and on…

But this is about helping our kids, so here’s the big question:

How can we rethink the holidays so that they reinforce our year long values?

Like everything that has to deal with relationships, the answer is: it depends.  

While I can’t recommend how to cultivate holiday practices that reinforce your values without knowing what those values are, I can say that by recognizing and addressing three of the main barriers to presence, we set ourselves and our families up for success, instead of disappointment.

The “Now” Stealers 

1. NOSTALGIA

• What it is: Ghosts of holidays past with all the rough edges worn away. You remember when things were simpler; when people were happier; when things were just…better.

• What to do: Memory remembered is memory rewritten. Remind yourself that this holiday will be different, but that “different” isn’t bad or good. Make a point to notice the ways your holiday is unlike any other. See if you can invent a new tradition that will make this holiday a “first”. You can honor and celebrate your past AND strive to be present with your immediate experience: it’s not either/or.

2. OBLIGATION

• What it is: That feeling of responsibility bordering on guilt around planning or creating a holiday experience that meets everyones needs. We have to do the big tree decoration or family pictures or holiday update cards because they’re what we’ve always done and people will be disappointed if we don’t. Statements that belong to Obligation sometimes start with “It just wouldn’t be the holidays without…” or “They’ll be so disappointed if we don’t…”

• What to do: Boundaries. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Boundaries. Translation—you aren’t responsible for other peoples’ happiness for the rest of the year, so why does this get a pass? Setting boundaries means saying “no”, “not this year”, “we’re going to put up just a few decorations”, “I know change can be hard and that’s okay”, and “my/my family’s needs are different this year”. We take responsibility for our families and friends in so many ways year-round—think of how powerful a statement it is to say: This year I’m giving myself the gift of simplicity.

3. EXPECTATION

• What it is: I’ve been looking forward to this all year. It’s going to amazing and relaxing. It’s going to be so much fun. And the classic: This will make me/him/her/they/them/us so happy. Another way to think of expectation is as Future-Nostalgia.

• What to do: Notice when your excitement about something is relying heavily on a particular outcome. For example: Are you excited about that fancy camera you bought your kid or are you excited at the thought of how excited they’ll be? Expectations are dangerous because they hitch our feelings to lots of stuff over which we don’t have control. The more specific the expected outcome (ie. My kid will be speechless over the camera and start taking pictures of the family and do classes online to learn how to get better and take excellent care of their device… or The family will spend time together playing board games and reading books and baking cookies and listening to holiday music…) the more likely that reality will fall short (ie. My kid says “Cool camera”, sets it to the side without opening the box, and asks if they can hang out with friends later or The family is in separate rooms scrolling on phones while you listen to “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” and eat raw cookie dough out of stand mixture with a toddler spoon.) By focusing on planning or doing things that find enjoyable or meaningful no matter how other people respond, you are more likely to be satisfied by the experience and—surprisingly—to create an experience that’s more inviting to the people around you.

I know these recommendations aren’t earth-shattering or surprising, but how we experience the world depends upon where we’re looking—what we’re paying attention to. Choosing to focus on what’s actually happening around us rather than what we convince ourselves should be happening (and probably isn’t) is a small change that can make a big difference. It’s a constant reminder that showing up is enough and that being genuinely present with others is a serious accomplishment.

So for this holiday season, give yourself and those around you the gift of a clean slate, clear boundaries, and spectacularly attainable expectations.

So from my family to yours:
Have a Good Enough Holidays!